 | Viewing the Republican Convention, it's really not hard to imagine what horrible ulcers must have rotted the stomachs of the vanquished minority under Stalin or Mao, as they watched a dark cloud roll over the land, witnessing the defeat of reality with a catalogue of lies.
I guess this is what people resort to when they have nothing to show for themselves but a bogus war and a national economy down the drain, you just have to MAKE STUFF UP! I mean what are they referring to? Another country? Another Administration? Another WORLD? (No, wait, that was a soap opera my grandma used to watch.)
My theory is that (just as in the brilliant film Donnie Darko) a tangent dimension was created the moment George Bush took office and we are all living in it. As you are all well aware, time is fairly stable, but some superstring theorists argue that time can be corrupted and, if so, an alternate universe will be born.
My theory posits that time was corrupted that dark night in Florida. That George Bush was never destined to be president of the United States. That we are all trapped in some parallel dimension that should never have been.
The bad news is that a parallel universe (such as ours) is highly unstable (just like our current global geopolitical situation) and that it will eventually collapse upon itself, forming a black hole that will destroy everything, including the primary, real universe from which it was born. We can already see this happening with the unregulated logging, drilling, hunting, and killing.
Still unconvinced? OK, here's an example (care of slate):
Statement of Fact from the Primary Universe
Note that this economic report is dated PRIOR to the creation of the parallel universe. Gore did not concede the election until December 13th. George Bush was sworn in as president on January 20th, at which point the economy (and everything else) began to collapse. "The determination of a peak date in March is thus a determination that the expansion that began in March 1991 ended in March 2001 and a recession began in March." -National Bureau of Economic Research, Nov. 26, 2001
Bush Administration Parallel Universe Statements: "Under President Bush, and Vice President Cheney, America's economy is moving ahead in spite of the recession they inherited and in spite of the attack on our homeland." -Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger, R-California, Aug. 31, 2004
"President Bush pulled our nation's economy out of the recession he inherited and put us on the right track." -Gov. Linda Lingle, R-Hawaii, Sept. 1, 2004
"When George Bush entered the White House, he inherited an economy that was sliding toward recession. The stock market was declining. The dot.com bubble had burst." -Rep. Paul Ryan, R-Wisconsin, Sept. 1, 2004
"This President inherited an economy that was spiraling into recession and already losing jobs in states like Ohio." -Rep. Rob Portman, R-Ohio, Sept. 1, 2004
"Four years ago America was about to tumble into recession. Today our economy is recovering." -Sen. Elizabeth Dole, R-North Carolina, Aug. 31, 2004
"As President Bush and I were sworn into office, our nation was sliding into recession, and American workers were overburdened with federal taxes. Then came the events of Sept. 11th, which hit our economy very hard." -Vice President Dick Cheney, Sept. 1, 2004
"Led by President Bush and Vice President Cheney, Americans have moved our economy from recession to expansion." -Marc Racicot, Bush-Cheney '04 campaign chairman, Aug. 30, 2004
Creepy...It’s sad to think of what would not have happened if George Bush weren’t sworn in as president and set off this chain of events.
We are in danger people! It’s only a matter of time before this tangent universe gives way and we are all sucked into the darkness and the primary universe is lost forever! We have to set the world straight. We have until November 2nd. |
